How to catch an Iranian bear . . using tarof

I have already offered you handy hints in case your hunting-cheetah is indisposed; and suggested how best to address a Musulman lion if you meet it in the Bakhtiari mountains.  Now this week, how to – very politely – catch an Iranian bear.

Iranian bears (whether brown or black) of course have manners and intelligence and reason.  You can rely on this, if you need to catch one – and so (with thanks to Angela Rodkin), I want to share two very useful methods with you.

The first method requires five hunters.  One of the hunters must visit the bear in his cave, while the others hide near the cave mouth.  The visitor sits just inside the cave entrance, and the bear – being, of course, polite in the proper Iranian way – brings out all of the things he has collected (all the nuts and dried apples and apricots) and spreads them out in front of the guest.  The bear sits down beside his guest, but a polite distance away. The guest – also being polite – of course declines any of the food, but moves a little nearer the bear.  The poor bear, fearing a breach of hospitality if he sits too presumptuously close to his guest, shifts round out of politeness.  Again, the man moves – and the polite bear shifts too.  And so on, right round the inside of the cave.  Until the polite bear is edged right out of the mouth of the cave . . when the four other hunters can fall on him and catch him with (almost) no trouble at all!

Just in case you don’t know four other hunters, but still want to catch yourself an Iranian bear, there is also a single-handed – but much less polite – system.  When you reach a suitable location, you should take off your hat, and place it on the ground.  Then your coat and shirt and trousers, spacing them out nicely.  When you are naked, you must lie down on the ground, and wait.  When the smart (but maybe not quite smart enough) Iranian bear comes along, he will first find the hat and sniff it, turn it over and throw it about, but find that it is lifeless.  Then when he sees the shirt, he will again play for a moment, but tire when he finds it too is lifeless.  Similarly with the trousers.  So when the bear comes to the naked man – who is by now cold enough to be (almost) lifeless – he will not have  hopes of life in this odd-looking object but will probably just nuzzle at it.  At this moment, you must spring up, screaming and waving. The bear will fall over in surprise, and – again – be really very easy to catch.

Finally, please be thoughtful as to what you do with your Iranian bear, after you’ve caught it.  It is of course illegal and cruel to even consider perpetuating the Qajar street spectacle of the dancing bear.  I’ve got real misgivings about employing your Iranian bear as a soldier, even if it apparently worked well for some Poles in the Second World War.  Just to be serious for a moment; the black Iranian bears – with the white ‘target’ on their chests – are now being hunted to extinction, and surely the brown won’t be far behind.